Release Date: 2005
Genre: Porno.
Director: Someone repressed.
Summary: Herbie is a nice, polite, highly inhibited virgin. He is fully-loaded, if you get my drift. He goes to a bar. There are women. One of these women takes a shine to him. Need I go on?
Stray Observations: ‘Spray’ observations? Ew. Sorry. No.
Grade: B+
Release Date: 1998
Genre: Animated Social Drama
Director: Pixar-ish
Summary: Lou, our main character, is a cockroach in New York City. He works a crappy job as an inFESTment banker, lives in a crappy apartment in the Bronx, has a crappy commute, and his cockroach wife makes a crappy morning coffee. Things only get worse when he is fired from his crappy job, and comes home to find that his wife has left him for a handsome grasshopper and a crappy exterminator has cordoned off his apartment. What will he do now?
Stray Observations: And you thought HAVING roaches was bad. Why don’t you try BEING one?
Grade: A-
Release Date: 2004
Genre: Docudrama
Director: Irrelevant
Summary: A film about pageant babies and their extremist parents. These parents are so ferociously obsessed with their children outshining the others, they begin to have all of their babies parts replaced with parts made from precious metals, diamonds, and other valuable materials.
Stray Observations: See also the sequel, Million Dollar Arm, out soon.
Grade: A
Release Date: 1959
Genre: Bollywood
Director: Raj Kapoor
Summary: A film about a sassy waiter at an indian restaurant in Omaha, Nebraska. He judges patron’s orders, and substitutes better choices for their lame, unadventurous play-it-safe butter chickens.
Stray Observations: Some DO like it hot, but some do not. Stop judging, man.
Grade: B-
Release Date: 1961
Genre: Drama
Director: –
Summary: Tiffany invites her friends over for breakfast. It turns out that Tiffany is a bit dull, and has never cooked before. She doesn’t even know how to use the stove. Or what an egg is. She serves nothing.
Stray Observations: Extremely disappointing. Breakfast is, after all, the most important meal of the day.
Grade: B
Release Date: 2013
Genre: Horror
Director: Some sick bastard
Summary: Children in Mrs. Smith’s second grade class are playing children’s game “Red Light, Green Light” when a mysterious earthquake renders them all immobile. They are stuck in their ‘frozen’ state, and as a result, they miss hot dog day.
Stray Observations: Miss hot dog day? What a bummer.
Grade: B+
Release Date: 2001
Genre: Drama
Director: Ingmar Bergman
Summary: Donnie is a children’s birthday party clown from Newark with a great attitude, a fantastic show and a knack for relating to children. He does everything he can to drum up business, but, for some strange reason, can’t manage to book any gigs. The only calls he ever gets are for Halloween parties, seances and cult meetings. He and his friendly silver rabbit, Frank, get kicked out of their homes, and move to the streets of NYC as their lives unravel.
Stray Observations: I hate seeing homeless animals. So depressing.
Grade: B+ (Frankly, it’s not the “Darko” part of this guy’s name that freaks me out. “Donnie?” Really?)
Release Date: 2002
Genre: Animated Short
Director: Most likely Tim Burton. This is just the kind of twisted humor he likes.
Summary: A film about a silverfish infestation at a seniors home. The little bastards are quick, and chances are the old folks are NOT going to catch them.
Stray Observations: In poor taste. Cruel, really. But also comical.
Grade: B
Release Date: 1980
Genre: Comedic-documentary
Director: Everyone. Don’t even try to deny it.
Summary: This is a film about farts. Plain and simple. Post-bean burrito farts.
Stray Observations: See also: The Wind Rises, What Lies Beneath, Lethal Weapon, Something Wicked This Way Comes.
Grade: A+
Release Date: 2004
Genre: Disney
Director: Walt Disney, duh.
Summary: An animated musical-comedy-adventure about a notebook. Based on the young adult book Audacious Little Notebook: A Bedtime Story For Stationery. The film takes place in a world where stationery and office supplies can speak, sing and move but appear inanimate to humans. The notebook, with his friends the letter-opener, the stapler, the three-ring binder and the white-out go on a search for their law-student.
Stray Observations: Isn’t this pretty much The Brave Little Toaster? Boring.
Grade: B- (lacks imagination/creativity)
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